16 just held such better days....

And here we go...this would be the emotional chaotic part of my life. I'm 20 years old and I'm supposed to be building a bright and wonderful future for myself. When I find the only thing I'm building is resentment and bitterness. This resentment and bitterness is not just carried through with people I work with or want to run over when I'm having a road rage episode...but its mostly veered towards the people closest to me. I can hear myself being rude and short with my family and my friends. I've tryed so hard and so long to stop doing this but its like a bad habit. I get so pissed at the smallest things and I think I have came to a simple conclusion of why. "The world was a gift to us, and we broke it, and part of the deal is that if we want things right, we have to fix it ourselves but we can't. We try but we can't." Have you ever just wanted to scream because everything in your life is so fucked up and it seems like no matter how hard you try things always seem to get worse. You find a person you want to spend the rest of your life with and then they join the military or cheat on you and leave you all by yourself. It hurts and it sucks and to many times have I seen the world turn its back on me. Now its my turn to turn my back on the world...if I want or need something I automatically know that I have to work my ass for it and then it will eventually get messed up anyway. I used to be nice...I really did but then I grew up and realized there is nothing I can do that makes things right or easy. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or make it seem as though my life is the worst one out there...I'm coming face to face with reality that fairy tales and those stories you read about romance aren't true in my world. And as far as the military is concerned....it seems like army guys, navy guys..what have you.. care more about their jobs than any relationship they're in. That may be what they signed up for but last time I checked I didn't sign any papers to get my heart ripped out of my chest. I realize their job is main priority and training is difficult on some days, easier on the others, and being away from home can't be easy. I realize all of this and I cope and sympathize. But I don't think that they realize how hard it is dropping them off at the airport only to know that you have to wait 6 lonely months at home alone going to work and school , dealing with stupid shit and all the while, doing it without him.....But I think he takes for granted what and who he has waiting for him back at home. To add to all of this...he is coming home but for a short amount of time and then he is gone for another 6 months....I dont know what to do because I have a guy that I loved for 3 and half years of my life that really isnt much part of my life anymore because of the military and I have a guy that I'm starting to care about just as much (that mind you still lives 2 hours away from me) and they are both going to be home at the same time. Tell me that isnt some shit to deal with.

High Heels and Odd Dancing

One of my best friends weddings was today. I never realized how much I appreciate flip flops until now, or as I like to call them "Fla flas"...dont ask....I'm just weird. So the wedding went very smoothly. The photographer was a Pentecostal bitch, just to be perfectly blunt about it. If she snapped her fingers at me one more time I swear I was going to hit her in the head with my rather large bouqet. I'll make some vows for "her"...when I become a photographer(which I hope to do at some point in my life), I promise I will not be even close to as much as a bitch as that lady was. Okay enough about the pentecostal photographer..... After about a million pictures, the wedding started and I was walking down the aisle with the rest of the bridesmaids and it was actually fairly short...and then more pictures and waiting and then the long part came...the reception. Which was a lot of fun. Samantha looked beautiful even when she was sweating her ass off dancing.

I'm so proud of her for finding somebody and deciding this is the person I want to be with. Really going to this wedding made me happy and sad. I'm trying hard not to think of myself on my friends special day but I couldnt help but feel a little depressed that I still havent found someone I can be close to. Although, I never realized how good looking Sam's brother was..I mean wow... I even got to walk down the aisle with him and I didnt want to let go of his arm...I should have been like "hey since you whole family is already here and your hot and everything...lets just turn back around and get married real fast"......I dont think his girlfriend would have liked that to well...ironicly enough he met her on yahoo personals..maybe thats what I need to do...and then I can be totally shocked when I find some 40 year old rapist on there that matches to my "personal criteria"...I think I should just give up. On a better note..I think I'm finally going to be living up to the times and get high speed internet instead of dial-up! Yay! Now maybe I can actually load pictures on here and make my blog where people actually want to read it.

It pays to not pay attention...

So this is my first blog...as if you haven't figure it out already. So you can't complain about it anymore WENDY! Oh, where to begin...if I take you back and ramble about all the things in my life I have had to deal with or encounter, you would most likely never want to read my blog again either that or feel so much better about your own life, you would call a physciatric ward on me. So we will just start with my weekend for now. Friday I of course went to work and arrived fashionably late as I usually do. My boss probably tends to think this is not considered a time to be fashionable but you can't please everyone. MDPREPS are now all mine, since Wendy left dust marks on her old desk...goodie for me! A little insight at my job...Anesthesia Services...we do medical billing and deal with a lot of B.S. not only from outside of the building of people calling in rambling about how they got hurt, needed to go to hospital, and now cannot pay their bills...my response...Who is the doctor?...their response...How the hell should I know? It makes the day go by wonderful and fast, let me tell ya. But me amoungst several other people deal with peoples B.S. inside the office. Working with 30 other women was not exactly my dream job but for me, my dreams usually dont come true. Friday night lasted until 4 in the morning for me, planning my friends bacholerette party and got an unexpected phone call...maybe I will tell details on that later. Saturday had the party and didn't go to well as hoped but after forking at another $50 bucks for my friends wedding dreams..small price to pay to have some fun with your friends. Sunday was a lazy pointless day...I tend to sleep way more than I probably should..due to an "x" amount of reasons that I wont bore you with. Here's a theory or my personal one I should say...resisting temptation is one of the hardest things a normal human being can do. But for one particular person this comes very easy with me. A little embarrassing yes. Feeling unattractive to someone is mostly likely the most embarrassing of all. And then dissapointment sets in. Funny way of how your mind plays tricks on you. I would explain all this but I think Vince Vaughn does a much better job in wedding crashers...this is going to be a long one so watch out...

"Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair. "

....Perfect explanation of how Sunday night was. I think I lost him for good but I think what I'm trying to say and the motto of it all is...If I stop caring so much, then I wont get hurt.